It's THAT month!

April, use to be one of my favorite months of the year, until 22 years ago when on the 3rd day I found a lump, rock hard lump, in my left breast that scared me half to death. I was 29, no family history that I knew for sure, a little over weight, very stressed, never had children. I was all over the board for the "official" statistics at the time. It was an early Sunday morning which gave me 24 hours to stew about it, reluctantly touching the spot again, hoping it was my imagination that I had felt something in the middle of the night. But no, each time I checked it was there. I spent most of the day reasoning in my mind, not sharing with anyone. I was divorced, living with my parents so I could go back to college and finish my degree, not making much money but I did have a job with good health care benefits. Finally late in the evening I decided to share my suspicions with my mother. She immediately reminded me she has lumpy, cystic breasts and it could possibly be one of those, but in the same breath said she would get me in to her surgeon ASAP on Monday and that she did.


Nervous sitting in the waiting room, lots of things running through my mind. My name is finally called, Dr, and his nurse (wife) were a great team, relaxed me immediately. Told me probably was not cancerous considering my age and such. Tried to needle biopsy it, got nothing, no fluid. Not a good sign, mom's cysts always gave up lots of fluid and felt better afterwards. I think that's one thing that scared me, it didn't hurt, no pain, just a rock hard knot that felt like the size of a golf ball, maybe a little smaller. OK, next step was surgery on Wednesday, would do a biopsy on it and go from there.


Went in Wednesday signed papers, but for whatever reason I did not sign off to go ahead with a mastectomy should they find it cancerous. Don't think the form was offered, after all I was only 29. One of my only regrets during this whole thing. It was just a one day stay, back home that night, but had an appointment at the surgeon's the next day. Thought it funny, so soon but said they needed to check the incision.


Again, in the waiting room waiting to hear my name called, had asked Mom to come along even though I was playing Pollyanna, wanted backup! As the nurse took me into the room she wouldn't look me in the eyes or answer any questions other than Dr. would be right in to go over my options. My heart immediately fell to my stomach and I turned to Mom saying "I have Cancer!" She is of course in doubt, telling me not to jump to conclusions until Dr. comes in. And he did, sat down very somber, crossed his legs, folded his hands and proceeded to tell me it was cancer and that he shouldn't have told me there was a slim chance before.


He's talking more now but I'm not hearing him, my ears are buzzing, not going to faint just blocking everything out while I try to digest it. First thought "I'm never going to have children." Not I'm going to die, but that dammit I had put off having children and now look at the irony. I was quite convinced the very thing that helped me not become pregnant had now accelerated the growth of this tumor, which later I found out was probably true. OK, back to business at hand, ANOTHER surgery for Friday, good thing I was "young" wasn't feeling so young at the moment. Tried to talk me into a lumpectomy but I was adamant I wanted this thing OUT of me, as fast as possible, NO partial, complete removal. Which I still to this day feel was the right decision for me considering they also took out 23 lymph nodes and I had 4 with involvement.


Next stop, an Oncologist, I think we only had 2 in town at this time but one had already established a great reputation with his patients, so I choose him. Thank God, he was everything you'd want in a Dr. when you're dealing with cancer. I put off starting my chemo treatment for almost 4 weeks, until I could no longer. 6 months, 2 days a months; 1 full treatment followed by a booster treatment the following week. Scheduled them on Friday's so I could have the weekend to recover. I did pretty well, got sick only once, didn't completely loose my hair and made it to work most Mondays after the treatment. My job mates/bosses were great, very supportive.


After the 6 months of chemo then 6 more monthly visits, then 3 years of quarterly visits, then the next 2 years every 6 months. Like a long distance runner, looking for that next goal and the END goal (5 year cancer free) to meet without something showing up in your blood work or on your body that would indicate the cancer had spread. But no matter how long between visits, it was always that waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. Tried hard to keep a positive attitude and I think I did, but there is always that little shred of doubt tucked way back into your mind.


I've been one of the lucky ones, two of my mother's friends died from breast cancer within 2 years of being diagnosed right after me. But they had a surgeon that "assured" them both he had gotten "all" the cancer in surgery, no need to follow up with an Oncologist. I'm sorry but that attitude is playing God, and it cost two women their lives because that's what they wanted to hear! We always need to take responsibility for our disease, read about it, know it, and ASK questions until you're satisfied, it's your right! If you have a doctor who is aggravated by that, then find a different one. You need to be a team to fight this, that Dr. is working for you, treat him as such, with respect but without hero worship, you can save that for when it's all over and you're a long term survivor.


Now I'm not going to tell you I haven't wasted some of the last 22 years, I have, waiting for the other shoe to drop but also dealing with the reality that I needed to be employed full time with a company, with good benefits and health care. I let that limit the things I really wanted to do in my 30's & 40's like, open my own business. I played it safe, not sure I'm any better off since here I am at 51 laid off from a job I loved, ironically, 2 weeks after I was diagnosed with a genetic, chronic, blood disease that can only be kept in check by a chemo pill. I do not have cancer again but will be dealing with this prognosis the rest of my life. The drug is cheap, not a new drug and it's even generic now.


And here I am another April, I've learned to love April again but this month holds a whole new scary place. My unemployment runs out, I'm sure I qualify for extended benefits and am applying for that, haven't filed taxes yet because you have to claim unemployment as income and pay taxes on it which I find to be a form of kick him, kick him while he's down! I'll get them done but not sure where I'm going to come up with the money I will owe! I've always been a "pull yourself up by your boot straps" kind of person, too much John Wayne with my daddy when I was young! I'm finding it hard to have the strength but the one thing that has sustained me through all these trials and just everyday pains of life is my faith in God.


Once again I am turning my problems over to him and praying for his help and guidance. For Him to guide me in the direction of HIS will not mine. So I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I know He will be watching, caring and leading, and I'll be praying for His Spirit to help me understand what I need to do to experience his grace over my life. This I can be assured of because I have experienced that grace in so many ways over my 51 years. No sure things in life? Well if you have faith in God and truly have a heart that welcomes him, if you follow his lead, life may not always go our way but it will be a sure thing we will be doing God's will.